Overrated sex compared to masturbation

"I think sex is totally overrated!"

Since he's been in a relationship, Jon has changed his mind about the importance of physical interaction. But he has not yet completely given up hope.
Question from Jon (36) to Doktor Sex: I used to think that sex was the most important thing in life. So I thought about it day and night. Over time, I began to develop symptoms of addiction to sex and masturbation. But I've been in a relationship for two years now. In this, however, the worm has been in there for some time when it comes to sex. My partner is reluctant to do certain practices with me.

That's one of the reasons why I came to the conclusion that sex is totally overrated. It is talked about all the time, so one might think that everyone has sex anywhere and anytime. In fact, most of them feel the same way as me: They hardly have sex and, above all, they have a lot of endless discussions about it in the relationship. Hence my question: What can I do to get out of this misery?

Answer from Doctor Sex

Dear Jon

If you mean penetrating sexual intercourse with the term sex - i.e. the penetration of the vagina or the anus by the man's penis or a dildo - I agree with you: This form of sexual interaction is also overused from my point of view. I sometimes get the impression that - especially for many men - there doesn't seem to be any form of physical closeness that even comes close to being satisfactory.

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It is this narrow view of sex that leads to the endless discussions you mention. And the fact that these do not end is due to the fact that the people involved usually do not want to deviate an inch from their positions and instead repeat their interests in a mantra-like manner.

Comment now My experiences from the couple counseling in my practice show: As soon as the matter itself - i.e. the mutual need for physical closeness - moves into the center of the discussions, the matter immediately moves. It is then suddenly no longer a question of driving the ego rail, convinced that you know exactly what good and "right" sex is.

In order to find real solutions, it is often necessary to be sensitized to the fact that such arguments are often not about sex at all, but rather that sex acts as a substitute. Because many men do not want to be without sex in the long run, it is easy for their partners to instrumentalize this addiction - according to the motto: If you give me this or that, you will get sex in return.

I think that you can bring the outlined insights into your relationship by inviting your partner to a conversation and talking to her about your specific needs regarding physical closeness and what it takes so that these can be realized. Ideally, you don't primarily talk about sexual practices, otherwise you will end up immediately where you always end up.

Rather, describe what is important to you about physical closeness with your partner and, in particular, what it does for you. In this way you can find out what sex is about besides pleasure. After that, think together about how you could achieve all of this with a form of sex that goes beyond a couple of times in-out, hosed down, and falling asleep.

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